Let’s dive deep into the ever-popular topic of soul mates. I’ve encountered this concept countless times in my readings, and if you’ve been hanging around my blog for a while, you know it’s a subject in which I’ve also covered a lot of ground.

Today, I’ve crafted the ultimate guide, a one-stop-article that’s going to tackle all your burning questions. We’ll cover my personal take on soul mates, a peek into the potential pitfalls that come with this notion, and, of course, the real deal on how to create a relationship that’s genuinely fulfilling.

I’m going to unravel the mysteries and get down to the nitty-gritty of what it takes to be truly happy in love.

What Are Soul Mates?

The most common definition of a soul mate is the person you are destined to marry.

You both arrange to incarnate together, and you incarnate every time in every life and hook up, make babies, and live happily ever after.

This would be great if it were true, but it’s not really how things work.

Do Soul Mates Exist At All?

In a way, they do, and in a way, they don’t. We’ll have to reclassify the definition a little.

It’s true that before you incarnate you make arrangements with certain other souls to meet, connect, and have some kind of impact on each other. You might even end up marrying one of these souls, but it’s not necessary to satisfy the arrangement or plan you had with them.

All that is intended to happen is a connection.

So our new definition of a soul mate should be closer to this: A soul mate is a person you have a soul connection with whom you decide to interact with on a permanent or semi-permanent basis in the life you are currently living.

Why The Soul Mate Concept is Harmful

I do not believe that there is only one person destined to be your life partner. Such a belief seems preposterous.

What if your “one and only” is never met? What if your supposed soul mate turns abusive? Do you have to stay due to divine order? What if they die young? Is a lifetime of loneliness mandated?

I have found, in working with thousands of clients, that the concept of a soul mate can cause way more harm than good.

I’ve done many readings with people who are in abusive relationships. Despite the harmful nature of their partnerships, they firmly believe that their abusive partner is their soul mate. This conviction makes it difficult for them to consider leaving, as they perceive it as wrong to abandon the person destined for them in this lifetime.

Other clients believe that by divorcing their abusive “soul mate,” they are no longer deserving of love, feeling as if they forfeited their right to love by separating from their supposed soul mate.

These are just a few examples of how people are disempowered by the idea of soul mates, preventing them from experiencing true joy.

What About Twin Flames? Do Those Exist?

If you’re not familiar with the concept, a twin flame is supposedly a person who mirrors your energy.

There is this passionate connection that can be really intense but also sometimes really discordant.
“We fight because we love each other.”

The universe is not designed this way.

You come from a huge pool of unconditional love. You come here to experience, share, teach, grow, have fun, and interact with others who come from the same place.

To tie yourself to this dynamic does a huge disservice to the gift you have been given. It’s extremely disempowering.

Basing your happiness on being with one person like a twin flame or a soul mate will only trap you.

The Difference Between Soul Mates and Soul Contracts

Perhaps you’re wondering about deals made in the ether before you were born. Aren’t there people you’re meant to hook up with? Let’s circle back to the concept of soul connections I mentioned.

I do believe that we sometimes set an intention to connect with certain souls during a lifetime. Before we incarnate we make contracts to meet with some of these people throughout our lives. These are soul contracts.

Members of your soul family who are incarnated on Earth at the same time as you are will be very attractive to you on an energetic level. Your guides will try to bring you together. But that doesn’t mean they will succeed.

Also, connections we “contracted” on the other side aren’t necessarily with a significant other, spouse, partner, or lover. They can also be with friends, our children, our extended family, etc.

One of these soul contracts can very well be the person you end up marrying, but it doesn’t mean that the connection is meant for life. People in your soul family or who you’ve made soul contracts with can pop in and out of your life.

Our choice to engage with these people is also a matter of free will; nothing is pre-determined destiny. So even if a contract was made, you might not run into each other. Free will can take you on different paths. But that’s okay because there are billions of other people you may find enjoyable. Don’t limit yourself.

Our Pre-Birth Intentions and Nudges From Our Guides

Our spirit guides nudge those people towards our lives, but like I said, there is still no guarantee that a connection will actually be made.

First, you make the conscious choice to incarnate. Then your higher self sets intentions for your life, such as experiencing compassion, working with animals, and enjoying abundant free time for travel.

At the same time, there are spirits who agree to be your guides while you’re here, and their job is to nudge you towards those intentions you set.

Once you’re born, you forget all about those intentions and every decision is now a matter of free will.

Your spirit guides try to nudge you. Sometimes you hear them, sometimes you don’t.

How Free Will Debunks The Myth of Soul Mates

The gift of free will means that our decisions and actions are not predestined but rather the result of our thoughts and the actions we take.

Basically, you can do whatever you want, but you have to accept the consequences of your actions. Likewise, you are free to choose a partner who resonates with your current desires. You are free to attract into your life exactly what you want.

Your partners also have free will.

One day you decide you want to fall in love and meet a partner. Your guides will nudge you in a direction. Your spirit guides will find people for you who are a vibrational match for what you’re wanting to attract. It might even feel like a soul mate to you. But then your “soul mate” starts gambling and drinking…now what?

You and only you get to decide if you want to be with a certain person for life. You and only you determine who you will date and what sort of behavior you will tolerate.

Soul-Moments: Attracting What We Vibrate

Partners are always attracted based on your current vibration.

If you’re in a period of low self-esteem, you could easily attract someone who takes advantage of you and makes you feel worthless.

If you’re in a vibration of passion and power, you’ll likely attract someone who is a powerful mover and shaker and can help you get things done.

Therefore instead of using the term soul mate, we can use the term “soul moment.”

As your vibration changes, your partnership needs change. That’s also how you fall out of vibrational harmony with a current partner. Your vibration changes and you’re not a match anymore.

Maybe the vibration and the attraction do last a lifetime, maybe not. Change is okay. It’s okay if you’re no longer a vibrational match. You are not chained to one soul.

Your spirit guides will find new people for you who are at your new vibration, and a match for what you desire today.

Falling Out of Vibrational Alignment With Your Partner

When your vibration shifts, it’s crucial to honor it, signaling your readiness for someone new. You’ll sense a disconnect and contrast with your current partner. While some try to repair the rift and restore vibrational harmony, it’s natural for people to grow apart, especially with major lifestyle differences.

I’m not referring to minor disagreements; I’m talking about significant shifts like differing views on children, travel, or financial goals. Clinging to the idea that your partner is your soul mate may lead to resisting the natural flow.

The discomfort of unease in your relationship signals a need for change, not a fault or brokenness. It’s an indication to find a new partner.

While some find lifelong vibrational harmony with one person, most people require several partners for a happy, fulfilled life.

Staying with someone you’ve outgrown could hinder your happiness.

Download my free meditation to help you let go of that person:

Love Doesn’t Conquer All: My Own Experience

Reflecting on my marriage with Steve, we clung to the belief that love could conquer all, enduring growing incompatibilities. Despite deep love, compromises left us both unsatisfied.

For instance, Steve sought a pristine home, bordering on OCD, while I struggled to meet his standards. Differences in travel desires and parenting goals became apparent.

Realizing love alone couldn’t sustain us, we consciously chose to end the marriage.

Through this, I learned that love, while vital, is insufficient when facing fundamental lifestyle differences. If a relationship hinders happiness and compromises dreams, transforming or letting go may be the best choice.

Why You Shouldn’t Ask Your Partner to Change

A lot of people try to “work on their relationship” by encouraging their partners to change. There is danger in asking your partner to change.

When you ask someone to change who they are, you are telling them that they are not good enough for you as they are, that there is some deficiency within them that makes them less desirable, and that they cannot be with you unless they become someone else.

If you succeed in getting them to agree to change to please you, they have to let go of their old way of doing things and become something they never intended to be. This can lead to deep resentment.
If a person wants to change, they will.

If you have to force them to change, there’s a good chance it won’t stick, which may lead to friction, resentment and an eventual breakup.

When you are in a partnership, love your partner for who they are. If you don’t like their habits, their personality, or their soul, then let them go find someone who will.

How a Breakup Can Benefit You

A breakup is simply a course correction for you and for your partner. The breakup affords both of you the opportunity to find happiness in your life before it’s too late.

Making a concerted effort to save the relationship is not a bad idea, but if you find you cannot swing the relationship pendulum back to joy, please don’t be afraid to break up.

Once you do, your guides will move heaven and Earth to connect you with someone who is a match for who you are today. And if you just want to be by yourself, they will absolutely support that path as well.

Be brave, stay true to your heart, and release what no longer serves you. Letting go of what isn’t working is the pathway to welcome something that will.

Being Alone

I have heard this hundreds if not thousands of times in readings over the years – someone would rather be in a bad relationship then be alone.

They would rather continue to be abused or ignored or forced to do things they don’t want to do because they are too afraid to be on their own for a number of reasons.

Learning to be comfortable being alone is an important part of life. If you are comfortable living on your own, then you never need to suffer or tolerate abuse by a partner. You never need to worry about supporting yourself because you’ll already be doing it.

Being alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. It means giving yourself the space to evaluate new relationships and only accept the ones that are healthy and joyous.

Ask yourself, “Am I so afraid of being alone that I’m willing to be sad, upset, scared, or angry all the time?”

Release Your Ex

The strongest energetic cord in your life is usually with your partner, built on love, shared experiences, dreams, and plans.

Releasing these cords can be painful, but here is a way to ease the pain:

Gently lift the cord out of your energetic body, letting it fall to the floor with peace and love. Repeat a mantra like, “I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love, and compassion. It’s time to let you go. I wish you well.” You may need to repeat this until you feel released.

Closing the wound may leave a hole in your heart. Use a mantra like, “I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of love for who I am. I am always connected to Divine Love. I feel the love around me; I am never truly alone.”

Spending time with supportive friends can reinforce your greatness.

Another method is to visualize a conversation with your ex the way you want it to go, not how you expect it to go. This approach can provide a sense of control and closure.

Listen as I guide you through this 10-minute meditation:

Compatibility: What’s Really Important in a Partner

So now we’ve debunked the myth of soul mates, explored deciding on when it’s time to end a relationship, the importance of being alone, and finally how to release your ex.

Now let’s talk about what to look for in a new partner.

Like I mentioned, love is not enough to build a great, long-lasting relationship, but compatibility is.

To some extent you can find workarounds to your incompatible lifestyle goals, but it doesn’t usually last. The differences in the way you want to live eventually tear at the fabric of the relationship. Resentment builds. You reach an impasse.

What seems to make for a successful relationship is spending time doing activities you both love or sharing a mindset that is largely the same.

Compatibility trumps love.

How to Create Your “Soul Mate”

How do you create that compatible partner?

You first need to know yourself. What are your values and your preferences? Consider factors like your lifestyle and sexual preferences, and personal characteristics.

Decide what you want. Make lists of qualities and define deal breakers.

Then become that vibrational match by aligning yourself with your desired partner.

Once you do that, you can explore where you can find them, then take action!

Remember to stay true to yourself. If you discover things in the other person that don’t align with your values, let go without resentment.

Then keep repeating this process as you pursue compatible relationships.

Most Importantly: Be Your Own Soul Mate

Be your own soul mate. Fall in love with yourself. Figure out who you are and what you desire in life and go after it with all your free will.

When you know who you are and you love yourself, then search for a partner (if you want one) with whom you can share life’s journey.

Life is too short to feel obligated to spend time with someone who erodes your joy or abuses your body or soul. That is not a soul mate, that’s a life sentence.

Want to go deeper and let go of any energetic cords that are still connecting you with your ex partner? Sign up to receive my free 10 minute meditation: