In my best Jeff Foxworthy voice:
If you find yourself stuck to a wall or the ceiling unable to move, you might have a paranormal problem.
If your cat is meowing at the corner of an empty room, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you suddenly develop a taste for flies, you might have a paranormal problem.
If your child introduces you to an imaginary friend named Mr. Whispers, you might have a paranormal problem.
If your dog is suddenly afraid to go into the room at the end of the hall, you might have a paranormal problem.
If your cupboards are always open when you come home from work, and you live alone, you might have a paranormal problem.
If birds start careening into your windows and dropping to the ground dead in piles, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you keep waking up downstairs in your pajamas with dirt on your feet and you don’t take Ambien, you might have a paranormal problem.
If your thermostat is set to 78 but you can see your breath, you might have a paranormal problem.
If your overnight guests consistently leave in the middle of the night, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you feel your 3 year old climbing into bed with you in the middle of the night, but in the morning he’s in his own bed and swears he’s been there all night, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you have to dodge flying tchotchkes to go from your living room to your kitchen, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you hear people talking in your bedroom at night and you don’t have the TV turned on, you might have a paranormal problem.
If the electronics in your home go on and off whenever they feel like it, you might have a paranormal problem.
If your neighbors ask you if you’ve seen old Mr. Jenkins walking the halls of your house at night, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you come downstairs in the morning and all your lights are on, and you don’t have teenagers, you might have a paranormal problem.
If all your clean clothes are still in the laundry basket because you’re too afraid to walk into the closet, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you’ve ever woken up to the sight of your 4 year old staring at you while you sleep while holding a knife behind her back, you might have a paranormal problem.
If three or more of your clocks stop at the same time, you might have a paranormal problem.
If all your paintings keep falling off the wall despite your expert hanging skills, you might have a paranormal problem.
If it constantly smells like your septic tank is having a bad day but your plumber says it’s fine, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you find a homemade Ouija board in a closet the day you move in and it’s the ONLY thing the last owners left behind, you might have a paranormal problem.
If you’re the fourth family to have moved into your house in the last 18 months, you might have a paranormal problem.
If all your spoons looks like a kid from the Matrix was playing with them, you might have a paranormal problem.
And lastly…
If your child brings you a creepy porcelain-faced doll made in the 1800’s and says “I found her in my closet, and she’s super friendly, can I keep her?” you might have a paranormal problem.
